Emotional Intelligence

The movie we viewed in class illustrated ten ways to improve one’s EQ. These pointers included:

1.Listen to how you talk to yourself.
2. Use your thoughts as instructional self statements.
3. Be aware of your intentions.
4. Observe your behavior.
5. Learn to relax.
6. Generate humor.
7. Become a good problem solver.
8. Practice the power of positive criticism.
9. Listen to the message of emotions.
10. Make tasks underwhelming.

I can honestly say that there are a few of these pointers I could use some work on, but if I had to choose just one it would have to be making tasks underwhelming. I have the tendency to overanalyze situations. I realize that this happens the most during a heavy semester. If I have a full class load consisting of five classes that administer an overwhelming amount of assignments I tend to make the smallest assignments seem impossible. Instead of just evaluating the list of things I have to get done, and systematically getting each task completed one after the other, I often times stress and exhaust each of my tasks. This habit of mine only seems to make matters worse. I not only stress myself out, but I waste more time panicking than I do getting my work done. I have spent an endless amount of time on the phone with my friend just complaining and venting about the amount of work I have to get done. Thinking about this now if I had just used that time to work on my assignments I would have been helping myself in the long run.

The video mentions that it’s important not to over think. A simple tip is to take a few minutes a day to worry about the task at hand, rather than committing an extended amount of time. I tend to the latter with my 30-45 minute venting sessions with my friend. If I just learn to allow myself to engage in a healthy amount of stress, brief moments over a greater number of time, it will be to my benefit.

Interpersonal Communication and Conflict

It is only natural when engaging in  interpersonal communication that a conflict may arise. It is extremely unlikely that an individual can manage to have a relationship with another person and share exactly the same values, ideals, and opinions. Because we as individuals are so unique and different from one another we are bound to butt heads at times.

When it comes to conflict I am not the kind of person to generally initiate or feed into confrontation. For me it depends on how strong a relationship is for me to decide whether or not to engage in conflict. If a peer or person I have no strong relationship towards, has a disagreement with me I generally let it go. I suppose I feel that confrontation is necessary when dealing with people that hold a high significance in my life.

When faced with a confrontation with a freind or family member I tend to prefer to confront someone rather than pretend that nothing is wrong. Some of the strategies that I use when faced with confrontation are empathy and "I" messages. I think in order to really resolve a conflict it is vital to make it clear that you understand why the other person feels the way that they do. This allows the person that you are in conflict with to see that you are acknowledging their point of view, rather than dismissing it.

I use "I" messages constantly in casual conversations, so it's second nature to incorporate them when faced with conflict. This is a strategy that has been drilled into my head as early as elementary school, and it works. Using a "I" rather than "you" alleviates the feeling of blame. When faced with a confrontation it's easy to place blame on the other person, but constantly placing blame causes the other person to shut down. It's easier to get a person to listen and hear you out when you address your own feelings and thoughts, rather than attempting to address the other person's.

Self Disclosure and Social Networking

 Social Networking sites like Facebook enable people to connect. This tool has enabled me to keep in contact with family members and friends that I don't necessarily get to see on a regular basis. Through this tool I am able to not only communicate, but share pictures and videos. This use of Facebook is one that promotes a positive use of technology, however this tool is often used to promote other negative behaviors.

As I have mentioned Facebook has allowed people to connect and sometimes reconnect with absolutely no negative reprocussions, but people are beginning to find many new uses. While looking through my own group of friends I have seen behaviors that don't seem to be the ideal ways to use this piece of technology. People attack eachother and have long drawn out arguments on their public walls. Often times these fights begin to delve into personal information that does not need to be exposed to the world.

In addition to arguements a feature that a lot of people have been using is the "count down." I have seen people have a count down on the side of their Facebook notifying how many days until their 21st birthdays, weddings, and even pregnancy due dates. I don't find this to at all be offensive, but it does seem to get a little too personal. Just glancing through my friends Facebooks it's clear that they have hundreds of "friends" online, but how many of those people are really your friends. Or rather how many of those people need to know when your bundle of joy will be arriving.

The article, "Social Networking: Are we revealing too much?" specifially mentions how employers and even college coaches are taking a closer look at Facebook pages. A friend of mine prior to an injury, use to play for Wesley, and had a serious issue when it came to Facebook. I remember him sending out a mass message to everyone asking us to untag him in any pictures that included alcohol or red cups. He made it clear that his coaches were checking the players Facebooks, and he had already witnessed a player being repremanded and punished by having to have a  more extensive practice due to the photos found online.

I had forgotten all about that up until now. Looking back it makes me realize that it doesn't even matter what a person posts on their own Facebook, but that you have to take into account what others may volunteer about you. You may not even be the one self disclosing about yourself, but rather one of the hundreds of "friends" or rather acquaintances you have online.

Styles of Listening

I would describe my style of listening as being people centered. I feel that it is extremely important when communicating to take into account how the person I am speaking to is reacting emotionally as well as physically. Words are powerful as we have mentioned, but a person’s body language, tone, and facial expressions speaks volumes. Even though my listening quiz score was below average, I still feel that I am a strong listener.

I not only believe this just from my own perspective, but from my friends as well. In my group of friends I tend to be the one that people feel comfortable talk to about their problems. I think this is because I know when to be quiet and just listen. I also try to gain perspective to my friends’ issues, by putting myself in their shoes. When asked for advice I try to not only advice them on what they should do, but also try to attempt to shed light on why or what the person they are in conflict may have been thinking and feeling.

When it comes to listening and giving advice I rely heavily on the speaker’s emotions and body language, but it is also important to focus on the content. When a friend is telling me a long story involving an argument it is necessary to focus on exactly what happened, in order to be able to provide some kind of advice.

I don’t know if this is a copout but I would have to say that I am both people and content centered.

Technology and Interpersonal Communication

Assumption #1: The computer screen can deceive

When it comes to any kind of online communication it is easy to deceive. We have seen it in the media where pedophiles create facebook or myspaces in order to meet adolescents. These individuals don’t do this by being honest. They download a picture of an attractive adolescent, create a name, and list their interests to be geared towards the youth. As terrible as thissounds this happens all the time. In a less terrifying scenario we ourselves deceive those that view our facebooks. With something as simples as our profile pictures, we choose exactly which picture best represents us. This normally is the picture that best flatters ourselves. We choose to post an image of the ideal us.

Assumption #2: Online discussions often prompt introspection

Communicating through facebook via messages or wall posts allows the speaker to take their time before sending their message. The ability to sit down, think, and rethink prior to sending out our final thoughts is extremely valuable. I have found myself pausing to think about how I wanted to phrase something when even posting on a friends wall. I tend to stress over wall posts more than private messages because I know that my post will be seen not only by the intended receiver, but all of their friends as well.

Assumption #3: Online discussions promote self-orientation

Everyone tends to feel that something as intangible as a facebook account is still their personal property. We select which interests we want to list, the people we want for friends, the amount of access each viewer has, and the pictures we wish to share. When it comes to my facebook I refuse to accept a friend request from someone I don’t already know. This is something I do to protect my privacy as well as to avoid potential weirdos.

Assumption #4: Self-Disclosure occurs online

Facebook allows you to make your life as public or private as you please. There are a number of features that allow you to select which pictures you want to be accessible even limiting the ones viewable to your friends. One thing that I do in order to keep my profile personal is to set it to private. This means that only friends can view my page. I have furthered this by disabling the search engine aspect. For instance if you were Google my name my facebook page would not show up under the search.

Adaptation Theory

The interaction adaptation theory suggest that individuals simultaneously adapt their communication behavior to the communication behavior of others. This is something that I have started to really become more aware of when communicating with others. In order to really push myself and gain a broader perspective I decided to analyze three conversations that I have shared. Instead of relying solely on my interactions with people close to me I have decided to use interactions with a friend, family member, and a customer from my workplace.

My first conversation was with my best girl friend. I knew right away that this interaction was going to reflect th strongest display of the adaptation theory mainly because we are so close. The setting of out conversation, at bar, had a huge effect on the way we conducted our conversation.  At times I would say something, and without vocally telling me that she couldn't hear me, I could tell. Her facial expression of unsurity was enough for me to realize that I had to repeat myself. My friend filled me in on the drama of her life, and with the more serious issues her tone and body language completely shifted. The more heated her tone became, the more relaced I attempted to make my own. Given the setting it was no place for her to get to upset and angry, so I almost unconciously tried to calm her down with my tone rather than fuel her fire.

Reflecting back on this conversation there were a number of instances where the two of us worked solely off of our nonverbal communication. This excercise emphasized that the stronger the relationship the more a person is able to adapt with little if any force.

My second conversation was with my five year old nephew. We were sitting at the kitchen table and or topic of converation was geared around his homework assignment, practicing the number 3. When speaking with my nephew I automatically tend to speak slower and demonstrate patience when waiting a response. As he was finishing his homework I asked him to rewrite a few of the numbers because they weren't his best work. Without saying a word I knew by his wrinkled forehead that he was not happy with my suggestion. He began to rub his eye, and make a face of aggravation. I instantly changed the tone of my voice to be mroe soothing and relaxed. I asked him if he felt that these numbers were his best, and compared them to the previous set. Without saying a single word he began to erase and redo the final few numbers.

Looking back on the amount of actual dialogue that happened during this conversation I realize that there wasnt much at all. I was able to read my nephew's facial expressions and body language, and adjust my means of communication accordingly.

While working the customer serivice counter at my job I was faced with a disgruntled customer. The gentleman approached the desk with a quick pace, annoyed expression, and receipt in hand. I knew instantly that this customer had some kind of complaint. The customer wanted to know why his items weren't coming off at the sale price. After looking over the receipt I quickly realized that they were coming off at the sale price, but may have caused confusion because the savings didn't come off instantly but rather at the bottom of the receipt. While trying to explain this to the customer they cut me off after hearing me begin to express that the savings did come off. This man's tone was very sarcastic and rude as he pointed to the prices indicating that they were not the sale price. As I tried to explain he began to throw a tiny fit. Realizing that patient and sweet personality wasn't getting anywhere I changed my tone and spoke in direct, brief statements. I took the receipt and pointed tot he savings, and even demonstrated that he did get the right price with a calculator. When realizing that everything was Okay I smiled and shifted back into my upbeat happy tone.

The interactiong with the customer made me realize that I am more willing to take charge with a complete stranger than with people I know well. This may also be due to the fact that I knew that I was right, and wanted to put the customer's complaints to an end as quick as possible. Another factor that contributed to my change of tone was the initial way that the customer addressed me. I initially tried to use kindness to cool things down, but after realizing that that strategy wasn't getting me anywhere I had to make a change.

Overall after analyzing these three conversation I have come to understand that I attempt to adjust my own means of communication to adapt to others. For all three scenarios I focused mainly on tone. I like to think that this is because I have an understanding that sometimes it's not what you say that matters, but how you say it.

Nonverbal Quiz Results

Nonverbal communication is a wordless form of communication. This form of communication includes; body language, tone of voice, facial expression and body posture. After completing the brief self assessment my score reveals that I incorporate nonverbal communication to a greater extent than the average college female.

The areas that I feel contributed the most dealt with expression. I guess if I want to try to convey my message to the best of my ability I tend to exude energy. I definitely change tone, pitch, and tempo when talking about something. This isn’t something that I do consciously, but I do like to demonstrate personality while I’m speaking.

In addition to the way I speak I also have an issue controlling my facial expressions. I can’t help it. I have been known to wear my emotions. If someone says something that I disagree with for instance apparently it’s visible. I’m pretty sure that my face reacts well before I even get a chance to vocally react. This is both a positive as well as a negative quality of mine.

The areas of the quiz that I scored the lowest on dealt with touch. I don’t commonly touch people when I’m talking unless it’s a situation where the person speaking to me is in distress. In a time of need I will definitely give a hug or something, but besides that I don’t really feel the need to touch someone.

With my score already above average I’m feeling pretty confident that it’s only going to continue to rise as my life progresses. As we mentioned in class motherhood brings out a nurturing and affectionate side. Raising a child involves constant physical contact, from hugging to tickling. In my opinion it’s only natural for a woman’s nonverbal communication skills to become more prominent with motherhood.